By José Stevens (Shaman)

Although this series of questions were compiled and sent me by urban American women in their thirties, focused on themes regarding the significant relationships between men and women, the discussions and responses will prove useful for almost everyone. Before going into the questions specifically, I want to raise some general points about mate oriented relationships that should always be considered first.

1. Prior to addressing the question of how mate type relationships work, it is very important to consider what the purpose of the relationship is. The purpose of the relationship may change the dynamics considerably so it is very important to be as honest as possible with yourself about what is currently your agenda for the relationship you want. What is the purpose of the relationship you are looking for? Raising children, companionship, learning, paying off karma, keeping an agreement, to avoid being lonely, for sexual expression and release, for physical affection, for emotional release, for emotional support, for financial support, for playing out dramas, for personal therapy and healing, to look good, and so on. You may say it is for all these purposes or for only some of them, however, it is better to know exactly what you are looking for. You may say, “I just don’t know”, but that would be lazy.  You do know and you can answer that question if you just look more closely. It will certainly help you get clear.

One thing that can help here is to consider the four pillars of vitality: true work, true study, true rest, and true play. If you look closely, you will see that these relate to your purpose in being in the relationship. Is this a partnership that is more about getting your life task done? Do you want to be involved with this person because they work in the same or similar field as you and can help you get where you want to go? Is it a relationship that enhances your learning in an area that is fascinating to you like a research partner? Do you want your relationship to be more about play and just breaking up the seriousness of life, perhaps someone just to have fun with? Is the purpose of your relationship to be a respite from the hard knocks of life, more supportive and restful? Perhaps you want it to be grounding and to provide much needed financial support. Much as we would all like one relationship to be all things, this is seldom the case. They usually fall into a main category and sometimes a couple of them but usually not all of them. That is why there are many people in the world to provide the fulfillment of many different needs. Your primary relationship may offer you emotional support when you need it but maybe it is not geared toward helping you in your career. Maybe it is financially supportive but not always fun? Maybe it is great fun but not very helpful in raising children or in resting. So think about these things in light of the discussions that follow.

2. Your maturity level impacts what you value and what you are looking for. Baby souls want a secure box, a set of conventional rules to live by, a partner that shares their traditional and conservative views. Young souls want to get ahead or want to play all the time. They are highly ambitious in a material sense and usually get what they want, not what they need. They usually want a playmate or seek a partner who will help them climb the ladder of success. This is where trophy wives come in. Mature souls want emotional satisfaction and wish to be met equally through good communication. They want intimacy, interaction, and involvement. They want someone to share their more spiritual and non-traditional views. Old souls want less hassle and more spiritual depth. They want higher centered experiences with their companion or mate. What are you looking for and is your candidate capable of providing it? What can they not provide you? Be realistic here and be as honest as possible.

Often mature and older souls want so badly to be in relationship that they pretend their new partner is an older soul and this is often not the case. Anyone can behave well for a few weeks. Then the shit hits the fan. Don’t deceive yourself this way. Do you really want to be with a karma making machine no matter how attractive? Although beautiful, if it smells like a poisonous mushroom, looks like a poisonous mushroom, tastes like a poisonous mushroom, then it is probably poisonous for you.

3. There is a difference between your imprinting and what you want on an essence level. You may have been imprinted by family or society to seek out a good provider, a jewish doctor, a good catholic, a money guy, a sexy gang banger, or a hot musician type. All these choices might prove to be an absolute disaster for you if it is not what your essence is looking for. How do you know the difference? Well, you consult your experience. When you are with whom you were imprinted to be with, you may not feel good even though your head says it’s right. When you are with whom your essence wants you to be with, you will feel good but you might have doubts in your head. Essence relationships are sometimes scary because of the closeness and deep connection they allow.

It is good to keep this in mind. When you meet someone who you want on an essence level it may scare your personality to death. A part of you may want to run screaming for greater safety. People are always running away from true love because it does not necessarily look like their pictures. They find lots of reasons not to engage. This is not because the person is an axe murderer. It is because you feel deep intimacy when you are with them and this is terrifying to the false personality. Remember, ego is always seeking separation (even when professing the opposite) and essence is always seeking connection.

4. There is a big difference between giving your power away and compromising in a relationship. One feels bad over time and the other feels empowering because you are making the choice to reach across the aisle for something greater. When you love someone and you compromise over what movie to see, you still feel good because the person you are with is more important than the kind of film you see. When you ignore your companion’s insensitivity to your feelings for the hundredth time, you are giving your power away.

5. No relationship is going to be perfect. All of them will have their limitations because that is the game here on Earth. What are the limitations you can live with? What are the ones you cannot? If your mate is shipping out with the military for two years at a time or doing business in Dubai three weeks a month, is this acceptable to you in the long run? Or is it a deal killer? Maybe you love dogs but your mate is terrifically allergic. Can you live without your canine friends or not?

6. Remember that all people have an inner masculine and an inner feminine part of themselves. These may be healthy or dysfunctional. If you are a woman, you have an inner masculine.  If it is undeveloped you may seek it out in a boyfriend. If your inner masculine is angry at being female,  then you will probably pick out an angry boyfriend who treats you badly. This is the same for men with an angry inner feminine. Unfortunately these two types are often attracted to each other. They beat each other up deliciously.

The only solution to this nastiness is to become a balanced human being by healing the inner masculine and feminine. This takes much personal work and cannot be worked out with a boyfriend or a girlfriend. The goal is to have a happy inner male and a happy inner female that love each other and love them out in the world as well. If you are angry at men or angry at women, no matter what your gender, you have an dysfunctional inner aspect. That is what we are here to do, heal, get over it, and evolve.

1. Is it an illusion, or does it seem there are many amazing woman and not enough men to match them equally? Why is that so prominent right now, and what is the lesson for the species?

When Lena and I were apprenticing with our Huichol teacher Guadalupe, we would visit the Peyote fields deep in the Mexican desert. At first I looked and looked and couldn’t find any peyote. On the other hand, Guadalupe was finding them everywhere. He laughed at my plight and then told me that you find what you expect to find. In a longer discussion he suggested that there are many dimensions of reality, parallels if you will. In some there are few peyote, in others there are many. You have to enter into the right parallel if you want to find abundance. He explained how to do this. Before looking, you have to expect many. Then you have to talk to them, sing to them, compliment them, be well disposed toward them. This is what draws you to the parallel where there are many. If you are anxious, frustrated, upset, convinced that there aren’t any, convinced that they have all been picked before hand, then there won’t be any. You will have attracted and entered a dimension where you won’t find any.

Now this is true of finding eligible and high caliber men and women partners as well. If you look closely, the men or women who are convinced that all the good ones have been taken will not find any. Underneath, they are often angry and resentful regarding the gender they are looking for. This is not the way to attract a mate.

In addition to this perspective, there are some other considerations as well.

Remember, as we were discussing earlier, every female has some masculine and every male has some feminine. These ratios can range across the board with some females being highly masculine and some males being highly feminine with everything in between. Much of this has to do with the preponderance of lifetimes someone has had. Some females have had very few female lifetimes before (warriors, kings, and scholars) and likewise many men have had few male lifetimes (mostly artisans). In fact right now on the planet there are many strong women who have often been men. They are learning the plight of the feminine and have the task of helping to turn things around. Therefore many want to try their hand at leadership, but all they remember is the male model. It has not been an easy time for life on this planet, especially if you are female, and even more so if you have been a highly capable female.

This is a time when the feminine is rising, being healed from its lowly status over the last several thousand years. The indigenous peoples of the world teach that it is the job of the feminine to guard and promote spirituality and it is the job of the masculine to take care of the physical environment. All you need to do is peek into a church and see all the women and peek into a construction company and see all the men. To some degree both have fallen down on the job because they have become out of balance with each other. They are meant to work together making sure that the spiritual and the physical stay harmonized. Right now, they are not in communication with one another at all. There is not one traditional religion on the planet that is in balance with regard to masculinity and the feminine. Therefore these are messy times.

Because of all this, there are many older souls who are female on the planet right now. This does not mean that there are not older soul men, just slightly fewer of them, and the ones that are around, often have poor imprinting regarding women.

When it comes to consciousness and awareness, the men of the planet are lagging behind. They are, you could say, poorly socialized. This is partly because of the unrealistic and contradictory expectations placed on men primarily by their mothers, and somewhat by their fathers. They are still expected to perform, get rich, and be ruthless so they can win the good looking females. The good looking females still want their men to be highly successful alphas, but now they have to be sensitive, loving, and loyal. This, they were not trained to do. So there is a disconnect. The demands on men right now are in many ways too great and they are suffering intensely. They tend to act out in the financial sector and fight wars to deal with their flagging masculinity.

Nevertheless, there are still many high quality conscious men in the world. They are not necessarily in the places women would like to find them, like at the local club or living next door. Nor are they necessarily big names easy to recognize. High quality men are busy men, out in the world trying to make it a better place. They are often not looking for a woman at the moment, especially women with big time agendas and demands.

These men, absolutely hate the games women think they have to play to catch a good man. They run (quickly) in the opposite direction from anything that smacks of manipulation. The less compassionate men simply lump game-playing women into the category of bitches. Women then label these men as assholes and the circle of disrespect is complete.

Women tend to be more social and more banded together than men. Therefore, when women get together to discuss men, they need to be very careful that they do not perpetuate myths, bad conditions, or create their worst fears. They are often very critical and tend to agree on very negative viewpoints: “All the good men are taken”. “All men are pricks, etc.”. Instead, they should agree that good men are plentiful and wonderful to be with, then they will be.